“Because you were all about you. You all about you. And you were all
about where I should be, not about the things I do naturally”. – ‘Lift’,
2013
Is it such a bad thing to
occasionally be all about you? When is it acceptable to stop thinking about
others and think about what’s best for you, even if it goes against your usual
approach to life? Is it ever?
As you will know from reading my
previous entries, I've been feeling a bit out of sorts recently. Thankfully I’m
getting back on track and I’m currently writing this on the train back to the
West Country to spend a few days remembering how it feels to live with my
parents. (I’m fearful for my sanity, but the roast chicken more than makes up
for it). Having spent a few days out of the office doing very little has done wonders and helped me
see that I've been pushing myself too far and too hard for too long, resulting
in a complete burnout.
The hardest part I found about
acknowledging that I was completely burnt out and in need of a break from my
usual life was the disappointment I expected to face from my friends over my
withdrawal from my usual social life. I appreciate how weak this may sound, but
I find that the approval of my friends in terms of my activities and decisions
is a major factor in the majority of my decisions. (I will note here that my
friends have been perfectly nonchalant about the whole situation and have
carried on as though nothing is happening!)
The realisation that I was afraid
of disappointment made me question my overall priorities and where I position
myself within them. The answer was pretty damn low. I’m a yes man, more than
willing to push the bank balance or my free time that bit further to ensure
that I try and make as many people happy as possible. Now don’t get me wrong, I
love my friends and the time I spend with them and wouldn't change it for
anything. However, I need to acknowledge that I am not Superman, nor
superhuman, and that a lack of time for me results in a complete failure of
personality, which in turn doesn't provide the same experience for my friends
when they do see me.
In a nutshell, I need to be more
about me.
Unfortunately, I believe that
this makes me inherently selfish and goes against everything I want to be to my
friends and family. I don’t want to be the person who says no to someone
because I need to have some ‘me time’. I would rather be a broken man on the
verge of a nervous breakdown who helps out a friend in need than a sane person
with spare time on their hands who watches shit TV for something to do.
Therefore I find myself in a bit of a no-mans land. I plan to attempt to get
the best of both worlds and take regular holidays or long weekends off work to
allow me to recover my sanity whilst still seeing everyone and doing everything
I want to do. I’ll let you know how I get on.
If you get a call saying that I've been sent to a psychiatric hospital, you know it didn't go as well as
planned!
x
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