We accept the life we think we deserve...

So a year and a half later, some things have changed dramatically in my life. Some things haven't.

To bring you up to speed on life in between the last blog post and this one, I am no longer working under the all mighty lordship of Sir Philip Green. I left Topshop on November 25th 2011. Two days after bursting my eyebrow open during an ill-advised 3pm drinking session with a colleague. (I still have a sexy scar to prove it. It drives all the guys wild...or not!) I am now working full time in PR, following several short internships, and have been in the role for just under a year. I've already scored a promotion. I guess you could say the job is working out for me! I'm still in London, I'm still tall and I'm still single. Some things don't change.

I never took the Internship with Attitude magazine. In the end, I couldn't risk jepordising my career and life in London for an opportunity that may, or may not, have presented itself. I still regret this to an extent. I know that the chances are it would have been three weeks of hard grafting and menial tasks before the unfortunate showing of the door. However, there's always the voice in the back of my head that wonders 'What If?'.

What I know for sure is that I'm still the same old uncertain, over-thinker that I always was. I still worry about what people think about me, I still worry that I don't have a game plan in life and I still always wonder if anyone would come to my funeral if I was to die tomorrow. Morbid I know, but I find that I worry about these things.

For those who know me, such a question is ridiculous as I am apparently a Social Whore who is the lynch pin of most peoples social circles. However, I find that being the lynch pin means that you're there for everyone, but not everyone is necessarily there for you. There is a certain expectation that your happy go lucky nature never falters, and if it does, there'll always be someone else there to be the shoulder to cry on if you're not around, so some people don't attempt to be around at all. This, in turn, can lead to a feeling that people don't care about you, leading to concerns over the popularity of your funeral.

Now please don't take this the wrong way and assume that this is a cry for help from some grief stricken, home sick boy who isn't coping in London. It's not. I'm exceedingly happy in London the majority of the time, with some truly wonderful friends, and having some wonderful experiences that I hope will stay with me for many years to come. However, I have periods of self doubt that leave me questioning myself as a person which can lead to a strange sense of hollowness.

There's nothing quite like doubting everything that you've so far achieved in your life. It can really make you question everything you're doing and striving for. The hardest part is pulling yourself out of it, because you have to throw yourself back into your life, the one you're currently doubting, and work doubly hard to prove to yourself that it is all worthwhile and relevant.

I'm in one of these periods at the moment. I know that I'll come through again, but right now it's tough. I'm questioning my self worth and all that I hold true, knowing full well that nothing positive will come out of it.

I'll be better in time. Just not right now.

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