Argh!

So it turns out I have now been offered the internship...starting on Tuesday! This now presents a huge WTF moment as I either have to reject it and therefore break any chances of working for them again, or accept it and have to walk out of my current job thereby breaking my contract at work and leaving myself to being unemployed come the end of the three week unpaid placement. This really is a complete and utter what the fuck do I do moment!

x

No surprises

So I didn't get offered the internship, but it's no real surprise. I'll have been one of about 50,000 gays applying for it so I should probably just accept it and go back to work tomorrow :( On that note, the new job focus is PR so please send contacts and job offers my way. I think they're pretty vital right now as I'm on the cusp of walking out on my job!

Naughty...

So I've just applied for an intern work position for a week at Attitude mag...which starts tomorrow. As does my normal day at work...oops!

Work...

Gosh, I don't know what to do about my work!

I have now realised that the loathing I began to feel for my last job at Next before I moved was not so much to do with where I was, but more to do with the fact I am sick to the back teeth of retail! The monotony of it all and the fact that all the issues are the same no matter where you go and who you work for has finally driven me insane. I want out and I want out yesterday. (Note that although I am at a loggerhead with my job, it doesn't mean I don't enjoy the people I work with or the chance to work in such a prestigious store, but I've just had enough!)

However, this is the difficult part. Part of me wants to just hand in my notice and leave, but unfortunately that is a ridiculously bad idea in this current job climate! I could be unemployed for months and I cannot survive in London without money. Therefore I really do need to keep going in this job until something else comes up. However, working shift patterns and crazy hours in a store like mine just makes this nigh on impossible! Therefore I'm stuck in this horrific slog of trying to go to work with a spring in my step whilst desperately trying to find a new job. Woe!

Then the next issue that comes along is what job to go for? The current top contenders are:

• Fashion Buyer
• Magazine Journalist (Gay/Mens Mag)
• PR
• Set up own fashion business
• Town Planner

As you can see, all very varied and only one relating to my degree. This leaves me in a horrible mushy mess of what to apply for and focus on. I think this doesn't help make me love my job any more either and thus I'm in this mess of a world! Help me!!

The pursuit of happiness...

So where do you start from...?

I suppose every person has a different idea of happiness and the paths that they need to take to pursue this goal to its glorious end. That is, after all, what makes our little world go around - the mix of people and dreams that make our life so culturally and vibrantly diverse. The bigger question for me though, is how do you define your own idea and how do you verify to yourself that it's the right one for you. After all, how many people have fulfilled their dreams only to find the 'end' is only the beginning all over again.

I suppose the reason I'm asking this question is because I've spent the evening remembering, questioning, thinking and pondering my life and my goals in general. I don't know if I've ever been truly happy with my life, or if I have been/am, then I've not been aware of it. Some people will think that this is terribly sad and upsetting, but I don't see it as such. I see it as more of a failure on my part to do enough to attempt to ensure I am on the right path towards my own goals. These goals still remain a mystery to me and even my short term goals change like the wind.

Back when I was around 15, I had a burning desire/dream to go to America for a summer. That summer was to encompass all that was amazing and desirable about America that I had learnt from numerous media outlets. I was going to work in a summer camp where everyday would be a glorious summers day. I'd make amazing friends, live/love and laugh like never before and never ever regret.

That never happened.

I regret that even now. It was my own laziness that meant I didn't do it. The dream faded as other, seemingly more important issues came up. Looking back on it though, I realise that there was a theme with these dreams that continues through my dreams and desires today. I am always concerned with the drive to make more friends, meet more people, look for acceptance and approval from people and aim for that perfect state of blissful happiness. Part of me knows I'll never achieve it, and part of me hopes beyond hope that I will. I'm not certain why I need peoples approval to be happy, but I know that knowing as many people and being a part of as many peoples world is vitally important to me.

I don't however feel that I am good enough a person to be able to achieve this. I don't believe in myself enough to think that I can make it a reality. I am always comparing myself to other people and seemingly falling short. Sad perhaps. Disheartening. I don't know what to call it but I'd like to see a way out of it. I always assume the worst for myself and believe it to be true. I have in the past wondered if anyone would turn up for my funeral. It's hard to achieve your dreams when you think like that.

I don't know what the cure is. I'm not currently sure what my dreams are or how to achieve them and I'm not sure of who I am as a person a lot of the time. If anyone would like to provide some guidance, please...feel free!