The pursuit of happiness...

So where do you start from...?

I suppose every person has a different idea of happiness and the paths that they need to take to pursue this goal to its glorious end. That is, after all, what makes our little world go around - the mix of people and dreams that make our life so culturally and vibrantly diverse. The bigger question for me though, is how do you define your own idea and how do you verify to yourself that it's the right one for you. After all, how many people have fulfilled their dreams only to find the 'end' is only the beginning all over again.

I suppose the reason I'm asking this question is because I've spent the evening remembering, questioning, thinking and pondering my life and my goals in general. I don't know if I've ever been truly happy with my life, or if I have been/am, then I've not been aware of it. Some people will think that this is terribly sad and upsetting, but I don't see it as such. I see it as more of a failure on my part to do enough to attempt to ensure I am on the right path towards my own goals. These goals still remain a mystery to me and even my short term goals change like the wind.

Back when I was around 15, I had a burning desire/dream to go to America for a summer. That summer was to encompass all that was amazing and desirable about America that I had learnt from numerous media outlets. I was going to work in a summer camp where everyday would be a glorious summers day. I'd make amazing friends, live/love and laugh like never before and never ever regret.

That never happened.

I regret that even now. It was my own laziness that meant I didn't do it. The dream faded as other, seemingly more important issues came up. Looking back on it though, I realise that there was a theme with these dreams that continues through my dreams and desires today. I am always concerned with the drive to make more friends, meet more people, look for acceptance and approval from people and aim for that perfect state of blissful happiness. Part of me knows I'll never achieve it, and part of me hopes beyond hope that I will. I'm not certain why I need peoples approval to be happy, but I know that knowing as many people and being a part of as many peoples world is vitally important to me.

I don't however feel that I am good enough a person to be able to achieve this. I don't believe in myself enough to think that I can make it a reality. I am always comparing myself to other people and seemingly falling short. Sad perhaps. Disheartening. I don't know what to call it but I'd like to see a way out of it. I always assume the worst for myself and believe it to be true. I have in the past wondered if anyone would turn up for my funeral. It's hard to achieve your dreams when you think like that.

I don't know what the cure is. I'm not currently sure what my dreams are or how to achieve them and I'm not sure of who I am as a person a lot of the time. If anyone would like to provide some guidance, please...feel free!