Because it's all about you...

“Because you were all about you. You all about you. And you were all about where I should be, not about the things I do naturally”. – ‘Lift’, 2013

Is it such a bad thing to occasionally be all about you? When is it acceptable to stop thinking about others and think about what’s best for you, even if it goes against your usual approach to life? Is it ever?

As you will know from reading my previous entries, I've been feeling a bit out of sorts recently. Thankfully I’m getting back on track and I’m currently writing this on the train back to the West Country to spend a few days remembering how it feels to live with my parents. (I’m fearful for my sanity, but the roast chicken more than makes up for it). Having spent a few days out of the office doing very little has done wonders and helped me see that I've been pushing myself too far and too hard for too long, resulting in a complete burnout.

The hardest part I found about acknowledging that I was completely burnt out and in need of a break from my usual life was the disappointment I expected to face from my friends over my withdrawal from my usual social life. I appreciate how weak this may sound, but I find that the approval of my friends in terms of my activities and decisions is a major factor in the majority of my decisions. (I will note here that my friends have been perfectly nonchalant about the whole situation and have carried on as though nothing is happening!)

The realisation that I was afraid of disappointment made me question my overall priorities and where I position myself within them. The answer was pretty damn low. I’m a yes man, more than willing to push the bank balance or my free time that bit further to ensure that I try and make as many people happy as possible. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and the time I spend with them and wouldn't change it for anything. However, I need to acknowledge that I am not Superman, nor superhuman, and that a lack of time for me results in a complete failure of personality, which in turn doesn't provide the same experience for my friends when they do see me.

In a nutshell, I need to be more about me.

Unfortunately, I believe that this makes me inherently selfish and goes against everything I want to be to my friends and family. I don’t want to be the person who says no to someone because I need to have some ‘me time’. I would rather be a broken man on the verge of a nervous breakdown who helps out a friend in need than a sane person with spare time on their hands who watches shit TV for something to do.

Therefore I find myself in a bit of a no-mans land. I plan to attempt to get the best of both worlds and take regular holidays or long weekends off work to allow me to recover my sanity whilst still seeing everyone and doing everything I want to do. I’ll let you know how I get on.

If you get a call saying that I've been sent to a psychiatric hospital, you know it didn't go as well as planned!

x

So it begins...

It's taken months of waiting, but I have finally reached the start of my long awaited and well deserved week off work. Thus you can currently find me lying in bed, listening to Chess in Concert and watching the snow gently falling outside my window. It's a tough start to a Saturday.

I'm not doing anything too exciting with the upcoming week as I just felt the need to take some time for myself and ensure that I'm getting my life in order. Those of you who have followed these blog posts with any hint of interest will know that I've not been feeling myself recently. I have been putting it down to being rushed off my feet at work, but I'm pretty certain that there are some underlying issues within my life that I need to address before this unsettled feeling will go away.

I'm going to get my finances in order, ensure that my life is heading in the direction I want it to and spend sometime getting back to myself. This will involve a few days back in Bristol basking in the glow of my mothers love/cooking. Hopefully by April 2nd, I'll be back to a normal state of mind.

Any advice on how to feel yourself again is gratefully received!

x

Lessons to be learnt

So here I am at 25, finding myself in the sort of situation that every hard working, employed 25 year old should not find themselves in.

Having my bank card declined in Marks and Spencer due to a lack of funds.

Not due to a security alert, or a faulty chip and pin machine.

A lack of funds.

I work full time in a reasonably well paying job and I don't pay extortionate rent or bills, so how have I found myself in this situation I hear you ask? Well the reason is simple. I am utterly ignorant when it comes to taking responsibility for my own financial security. I am an ostrich with its head in the sand when it comes to my bank balance. At anytime in the last month, if you had asked me exactly how much money I had in my bank account, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. In fact, this has been the situation since University. Six years I've been ignoring my bank balance and assuming/hoping/crossing my fingers that my balance would allow me to withdraw more cash.

The rejection of my card was a massive wake up call. I am scheduled to fly out to Europe early tomorrow morning with work and I needed to purchase Euro's to support this trip. I physically couldn't. Let me tell you, it is one of the worst feelings at 8pm on a Tuesday night when you can't get any money for a trip which leaves at 7am the next morning. I literally had nothing.

I am therefore exceedingly, and beyond my own worth, lucky to have been saved by someone I know. I won't go into details of how I received extra funds, suffice to say that it was entirely legal and I am paying the money back ASAP. However, this is not the point. I am disgusted at myself for having allowed myself to nonchalantly carry on ignoring my bank balance for SIX YEARS. That's just beyond insane.

I don't own a credit card and there is no other bank account to dip into. I never got a credit card as I, and I quote, "didn't want to get into debt". So why on earth have I allowed myself to head in that very direction via  frivolous spending? My only, pathetic, answer is that I've been scared to look and I didn't want to let it affect my social life.

I worked it out on the tube home. I think I spent roughly around £200 within 24 hours this weekend, primarily on booze, nightclubs, a taxi and food. I had to lean against the tube door as the thought made me feel physically sick. I didn't give it a moments thought when I spent it - I just flashed my card or cash and got on with it, all because I wanted to have fun and be with my friends. It's an appalling attitude to have towards money when you don't have very much and don't come from a 'Daddy bought me a pony' family. My parents have always been very good with money and have tried to teach me and my brothers to be so as well. However, I'm clearly the fun loving son who just didn't listen. I feel like a let down to my family, and to myself.

Well no more.

I refuse to allow myself to continue going this way. Once I return from my work trip, I am sorting my finances out and getting my life in order for when my new pay cheque comes in next week. I cannot, and will not, let myself get back into my old habit of assuming everything will be ok. I'm just very lucky that all my bills and rent have already gone out for this month, or I could well have found myself out on my ear with nowhere to turn and no one to blame but myself. Utterly terrifying.

I knew that I felt I was losing sight of myself recently, but if anything has hammered this home, this is it.

SORT YOUR BLOODY LIFE OUT SIMON

x

We accept the life we think we deserve...

So a year and a half later, some things have changed dramatically in my life. Some things haven't.

To bring you up to speed on life in between the last blog post and this one, I am no longer working under the all mighty lordship of Sir Philip Green. I left Topshop on November 25th 2011. Two days after bursting my eyebrow open during an ill-advised 3pm drinking session with a colleague. (I still have a sexy scar to prove it. It drives all the guys wild...or not!) I am now working full time in PR, following several short internships, and have been in the role for just under a year. I've already scored a promotion. I guess you could say the job is working out for me! I'm still in London, I'm still tall and I'm still single. Some things don't change.

I never took the Internship with Attitude magazine. In the end, I couldn't risk jepordising my career and life in London for an opportunity that may, or may not, have presented itself. I still regret this to an extent. I know that the chances are it would have been three weeks of hard grafting and menial tasks before the unfortunate showing of the door. However, there's always the voice in the back of my head that wonders 'What If?'.

What I know for sure is that I'm still the same old uncertain, over-thinker that I always was. I still worry about what people think about me, I still worry that I don't have a game plan in life and I still always wonder if anyone would come to my funeral if I was to die tomorrow. Morbid I know, but I find that I worry about these things.

For those who know me, such a question is ridiculous as I am apparently a Social Whore who is the lynch pin of most peoples social circles. However, I find that being the lynch pin means that you're there for everyone, but not everyone is necessarily there for you. There is a certain expectation that your happy go lucky nature never falters, and if it does, there'll always be someone else there to be the shoulder to cry on if you're not around, so some people don't attempt to be around at all. This, in turn, can lead to a feeling that people don't care about you, leading to concerns over the popularity of your funeral.

Now please don't take this the wrong way and assume that this is a cry for help from some grief stricken, home sick boy who isn't coping in London. It's not. I'm exceedingly happy in London the majority of the time, with some truly wonderful friends, and having some wonderful experiences that I hope will stay with me for many years to come. However, I have periods of self doubt that leave me questioning myself as a person which can lead to a strange sense of hollowness.

There's nothing quite like doubting everything that you've so far achieved in your life. It can really make you question everything you're doing and striving for. The hardest part is pulling yourself out of it, because you have to throw yourself back into your life, the one you're currently doubting, and work doubly hard to prove to yourself that it is all worthwhile and relevant.

I'm in one of these periods at the moment. I know that I'll come through again, but right now it's tough. I'm questioning my self worth and all that I hold true, knowing full well that nothing positive will come out of it.

I'll be better in time. Just not right now.

x